Adam Carolla Funny Quotations

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.