Adam Carolla Humor Quotations

He has a great sense of humor -- but it's in his assembly. It's really his craftsmanship that people overlook. It's not being fair to him just calling him outrageous.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.