Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Hear Quotations

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hear that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a perfect gentleman, though a fool.

EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she.""I think,"" said one, ""and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear.""I will not stay,"" she said, with a pout,""To hear my character lied about!"" --Gopete Sherany

RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and the sense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, Expounds the passions burning in his breast. The rising moon o'er that enchanted land Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. --Mowbray Myles

DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or nimbus --hag being the popular name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a ""beautiful hag, all smiles,"" much as Shakespeare said, ""sweet wench."" It would not now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag --that compliment is reserved for the use of her grandchildren.

KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a ""crowned head,"" although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy jester:""If I were you and you were I My moments merrily would fly -- Nor care nor grief to pester.""""The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,"" The fool said --""if you'll hear it -- Is that of all the fools alive Who own you for their sovereign, I've The most forgiving spirit."" --Oogum Bem

DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.

DIE, n. The singular of ""dice."" We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, ""Never say die."" At long intervals, however, some one says: ""The die is cast,"" which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.

IMPROBABILITY, n.His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice averred'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who spake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene, indifferent and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to thrive And tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it."What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed At what our friend has told?" He raised Soberly then his eyes and gazed In a natural way And proceeded to say, As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:"O no --not at all; I'm a liar myself.