You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.
Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won't be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like Who shot J.R.? I like to think I do this every night - the question is, Is this show still on?
There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, Yes! And people in San Francisco are like, Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you.
Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.
Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.
These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.
It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.
Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn't make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on 'American Idol.'
It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.
Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.
Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.
I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities.
Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.
You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.
A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.
I'm always a bit shy around evil people...
There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.
You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
The word is out that if you want to go to this festival, you order early. Most people didn't realize that for this year it'd be two months early, but they plan ahead.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.