David Letterman Two Quotations

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.

I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.

I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.

Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.

Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go.

Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money.

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.

The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.