Demetri Martin Giving Quotations

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?