Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.
Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.
I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working.
A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.
Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.