George Carlin Humor Quotations

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

The status quo sucks.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

What year did Jesus think it was?

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.