George Carlin Witty Quotations

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

It's never just a game when you're winning.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?