Jimmy Carr Funny Quotations

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...