Joseph Heller Quotations

I think in every country that there is at least one executive who is scared of going crazy.

Peace on earth would mean the end of civilization as we know it.

When I grow up I want to be a little boy.

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.

Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private individuals.

I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.

He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

When I read something saying I've not done anything as good as 'Catch-22' I'm tempted to reply, 'Who has?'

We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.

I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long.

But that was war. Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents.

Hungry Joe collected lists of fatal diseases and arranged them in alphabetical order so that he could put his finger without delay on any one he wanted to worry about.

I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time since we've had any.

My drawings have been described as pre-intentionalist, meaning that they were finished before the ideas for them had occurred to me. I shall not argue the point.

Some men are born Mediocre men, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them

...[A]nything worth dying for ... is certainly worth living for.

When I read something saying I've not done anything as good as ""Catch-22"" I'm tempted to reply, ""Who has?

Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.

Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them.

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind.

For war there is always enough. It's peace that's expensive.

The question is: what is a sane man to do in an insane society?

The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them.

If God was dead, how could I feel this bad?

Just for once I'd like to see all these things sort of straightened out, with each person getting exactly what he deserves. It might give me some confidence in this universe.

Fortunately, just when things were blackest, the war broke out.

But the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make him out to be.

There was only one catch and that was Catch22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask, and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.

Remember that everyone deserves some fun during working hours.

Gold was not altogether certain what, anatomically, a gorge was, but he knew that his was rising.

Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him.

I write longhand and I type and I rewrite on the typed pages.

I don't understand the process of imagination-though I know that I am very much at its mercy.

They can do anything we can't stop them from doing.

And anything worth dying for

You know, that might be the answer – to act boastfully about something we ought to be ashamed of. That’s a trick that never seems to fail.” --Colonel Korn, Catch-22

What would they do to me," he asked in confidential tones, "if I refused to fly them?" We'd probably shoot you," ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen replied. We?" Yossarian cried in surprise. "What do you mean, we? Since when are you on their side?" If you're going to be shot, whose side do you expect me to be on?" ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen retorted

Catch-22 did not exist, he was positive of that, but it made no difference. What did matter was that everyone thought it existed, and that was much worse, for there was no object or text to ridicule or refute, to accuse, criticize, attack, amend, hate, revile, spit at, rip to shreds, trample upon or burn up.

I wouldn't want to live without strong misgivings.

It's a wise person, I guess, who knows he's dumb, and an honest person who knows he's a liar. And it's a dumb person, I guess, whose convinced he's wise...-Bob Slocum

That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed. It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying.

Let someone else get killed!

Suppose everyone on our side felt that way?

Well then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?

I don't think the 'what' distinguishes a good novel from a bad one but rather the 'how.'

I don't think it's good to achieve too much at too early an age. What else can the future give you if you've already got all that your imagination has dreamt up for you? A writer is only discovered once in a lifetime, and if it happens very early the impossibility of matching that moment again can have a somewhat corrosive effect on his personality and indeed on the work itself.

I could not write about a subject sacred to me because I would be too flippant. Fortunately, there are no subjects sacred to me.

There was only one catch and that was catch 22

The problem with the loneliness I suffer is that the company of others has never been a cure for it.

If character is destiny, the good are damned.

Everybody is as unstable as water.

Men went mad and were rewarded with medals.

The laws of nature are only as immutable as the minds which promote them. Ignorance of the law is 9/10ths of the law. Just because you aren't paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

From men motivated by moral certitude, history teaches, no lasting good ever comes.

The promises of maniacs, like those of women, are not safely relied upon.

... there is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all accusations, for people are complete, and everyone is capable of everything.

I've come to look upon death the same way I look upon root-canal work. Everyone else seems to get through it all right, so it couldn't be too difficult for me.

All of our religions but the Judaic and the Greek think more of us dead than alive.

How did I get here? Somebody pushed me. Somebody must have set me off in this direction and clus-ters of other hands must have touched themselves to the controls at various times, for I would not have picked this way for the world.

Erogenous zones are either everywhere or nowhere.

The smartest people in Washington are the political reporters. They write about their inferiors.

There are yawning gulfs into which large chunks of me have fallen. I do not always know where I am at present.

Everything passes. (That's what makes it endurable.)

If a man is going to leave one wife to marry another, it's better if he divorces the first before he marries the second.

In the long run, failure was the only thing that worked predictably. All else was accidental.

I think that maybe inside any business, there is someone slowly going crazy

I never even realized I was Jewish until I was practically grown up. Or rather, I used to feel that everybody in the world was Jewish, which amounts to the same thing.

There's a rule saying I have to ground anyone who's crazy ... There's a catch. Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy.

If Richard Nixon was second-rate, what in the world is third-rate?

A man's head is his castle.

Everyone in my book accuses everyone else of being crazy. Frankly, I think the whole society is nuts - and the question is: What does a sane man do in an insane society?

When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective.

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble.

Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office.

Gold was not sure of many things, but he was definite about one: for every successful person he knew, he could name at least two others of greater ability, better, and higher intelligence who, by comparison, had failed.

It made him proud that 29 months in the service had not blunted his genius for ineptitude.

Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskoph had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times.

To Yossarian, the idea of pennants as prizes was absurd. No money went with them, no class privileges. Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else.

¨ Oh, I´m not complaining. I know there´s a war on. I know a lot of people are going to have to suffer for us to win it. But why must I be one of them?¨

Major Major had lied, and it was good. He was not really surprised that it was good, for he had observed that people who did lie were, on the whole, more resourceful and ambitious and successful than people who did not lie.

Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window, and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all.

The enemy," retorted Yossarian with weighted precision, "is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on, and that includes Colonel Cathcart. And don't you forget that, because the longer you remember it, the longer you might live.

Clevinger was a troublemaker and a wise guy. Lieutenant Scheisskopf knew that Clevinger might cause even more trouble if he wasn't watched. Yesterday it was the cadet officers; tomorrow it might be the world. Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskopf had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times. Such men were dangerous, and even the new cadet officers whom Clevinger had helped into office were eager to give damning testimony against him. The case against Clevinger was open and shut. The only thing missing was something to charge him with.

Actually there were many officers' clubs that Yossarian had not helped build, but he was proudest of the one on Pianosa. It was a sturdy and complex monument to his powers of determination. Yossarian never went there to help until it was finished; then he went there often, so pleased was he with the large , fine, rambling shingled building. It was a truly splendid building, and Yossarian throbbed with a mighty sense of accomplishment each time he gazed at it and reflected that none of the work that had gone into it was his.

Why are they going to disappear him?' I don't know.' It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar.

Only Hungry Joe had something better to do each time he finished his missions. He had screaming nightmares and won fist fights with Huple's cat.

The captain was a good chess player, and the games were always interesting. Yossarian had stopped playing chess with him because the games were so interesting they were foolish.

She was the epitome of stately sorrow each time she smiled.

I'll tell you what justice is. Justice is a knee in the gut from the floor on the chin at night sneaky with a knife brought up down on the magazine of a battleship sandbagged underhanded in the dark without a word of warning

I am miracle ingredient Z-247. I'm immense. I'm a real, slam-bang, honest-to-goodness, three-fisted humdinger. I'm a bona fide supraman.

Be glad you're even alive.' Be furious you're going to die.

Surely there can't be so many countries worth dying for.' Anything worth living for,' said Nately, 'is worth dying for.' And anything worth dying for,' answered the sacrilegious old man, 'is certainly worth living for.

As always occurred when he quarreled over principles in which he believed passionately, he would end up gasping furiously for air and blinking back bitter tears of conviction. There were many principles in which Clevinger believed passionately. He was crazy.