Mark Twain Sarcastic Quotations

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

We have the best government that money can buy.

What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.

You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.

Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.

Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.

He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.

'Don't you worry, and don't you hurry.' I know that phrase by heart, and if all other music should perish out of the world it would still sing to me.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.

In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to correct that.

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.