The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!
I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.