My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .