American Comedian Quotations | Page 3

I still haven't hit what I do best yet.

It doesn't always click for people or they don't know the show - which I can't imagine - but there are people out there who don't.

I was on stage and I was like I will pay someone to do my time, not only will I expect NOT to be paid, but I will pay someone if I can run off stage right now. It was so bad.

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Well, I'm sure there are people of Turkish origin wouldn't want to do that, but external forces would try to influence the situation in Turkey.

You always think you're better than you are in the beginning.

Well, we wouldn't even think of a military action because that would have extremely adverse results for Turkey. After all, we are on the borders.

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

We have an active program. We have nuclear weapons, we are a nuclear power. We have an advanced missiles program.

Well, my dad had a lot of Jonathan Winters albums, so those were my first memories of listening to anything funny, and those were very influential.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

We did the movie because we liked the script; everybody wanted to do the movie just to have fun, and that was the most rewarding part of the process.

To bring up a child in the way he should go - travel that way yourself.

Yeah, and I remember that game Pitfall. That was my favorite. I heard there's a new one, too - so maybe I'll have to get back into it.

Today's audiences are different only insomuch as today's people are different, and I do not think today's people are substantially different.

The fact that that really is my life, and that my husband Matt - who you see on the show - is like the most normal guy in the world.

When people start knocking those bands, those bands that sing all that harmony, it's hard, I can't do it. Course, there's only one of me.

There is absolutely no way that I would enter that world. I would never run for office.

There are lots of little mom and pop furniture stores in L.A., which is perfect for me because I like to mix the old with the new.

While in New York, struggling for a theatrical career, I started writing sketches, free-lance, for the Steve Allen Tonight Show.

Finding a woman to share your life is not an easy thing in the first place, and then to find yourself happy is even more pleasantly surprising.

But, let's face it, I'm a Chicago boy.

You may have read that I went to M.I.T. In 1982 I filled out a Who's Who survey with joking responses, and they never bothered to check the facts.

With Ice Cube they ain't no telling. He might have one cocked and loaded, ready to bust. We might do The Sunday, two old men sitting around the house waiting on the social security check.

We tried to stay as far away from the players as I could. I mean, I don't play for the Red Sox. I didn't want to disrupt any of their joy.

Conan has to provide so much more talk than I do. He has to be interviewing. I get to sit there and if I don't say anything, there's no loss.

Anne is very forgiving. She doesn't care about money, being rich, or clothes. We never argued about finances.

Anne hated the idea of putting me down in front of the audience.

Folk music was out there. Clubs were springing up and they were hot with the college kids.

There's a couple of enemies to improv, and one of them is editing; when you edit on TV it makes it seem like it's not really improv.

There's no liberal echo chamber in this country. There's a right-wing echo chamber. I want to create a countervailing echo chamber.

I started getting on my feet and clowning around, and they ended up putting me in a play when I was 12. And I was hooked.

The worst thing that can happen is you shoot something six months before you release it because a whole lot can happen in six months.

The worst thing about Saturday Night Live now is that, in the last 10 to 15 years, they've grown to some 40 writers. We had seven. And seven actors.

The Yale group was doing the Harold. So by our senior year we were trying to do the Harold. Again, we had no idea what we were doing. We had one guy in the group who was pretty experimental; he would kind of push us to do weird things. It was really fun, a great experience.

The running across the field thing, that was the first scene we shot in the movie. We asked the audience to stay for the scene, and 37,000 people stayed.

I've never had to write a spec script.

I've never read Ulysses. Why do you ask?

The sterile, arid environment created by truly jarring and discordant signage and gargantuan billboards is a turnoff.

I've never been a TV junkie. I remember watching Letterman way back when he had a morning show.

I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.

I used to think no one should go into show biz, but now I feel differently. I now feel like it's a great career. If you can do it and make money at it and still not be so famous that you can have a normal life - then I think it's a great career.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

Some venues are better run than others. Sometimes it's just maddening to deal with full dinners being served in front of your face. You can have a good or bad show anywhere.

Sometimes there are people you can't make jokes about because the situation is embarrassing, especially if they're going to be there. It's just cruel.

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all. I did movie star impressions as a kid in high school. Somehow they just got out of hand.

Our shows today are better and funnier than they've ever been.

Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

The one thing I can do that makes me appropriate for this job is that I am able to keep a straight face under almost any circumstances.

So, then, after college I did a children's theater tour for six months, but then I came out here. Just to try to do the whole Second City thing.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

Anybody can direct. There are only 11 good writers.

And then in my senior year of high school, I tried to go on at local nightclubs in New Hampshire, or I'd go on at school assemblies.

A writer is like a bean plant, he has his little day, and then he gets stringy.

That's how I found myself in the advertising world, with my partner. I was trying to get a tape of me doing something that I thought was funny.

Also, Def Jam came along, and everybody was doing it without really practicing or trying to be better comics, just trying to get on TV.

They got a great performance from me. I was happy.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

It was funny to write for Peter Falk.

I took a professional gamble leaving Hollywood, knowing I would be out of the loop. I'm not part of the movie world in-crowd right now.

For a good chunk of Israelis, it doesn't matter who is in power when it comes to dealing with the Palestinians. Their focus was more on economic issues.

It's really hard to take this stuff seriously. A lot of it is sexual, but it's not offered up that way. It's just body parts, gross kind of stuff.

The nightmare stories are all true, but it was good. Made me so strong after that year of getting my confidence beaten out of me.

You trying putting Bob Hope in a modern corporate movie now and get him up at 4:00 a.m. and get him on the set for 20 hours a day.

Everybody always asks about Jimmy Fallon. I'm sorry to say that he's very nice and there's not much bad to say about him. I don't know if he sucks at videogames or not. I don't think he plays them, but he could have this whole secret life I don't know about.

Everybody needs feedback, and it's a heck of a lot cheaper than paying a trainer.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock.

I've got my own future and my own life and it's positive and I feel blessed, so I'm going to do what I need to that's in my best interests.

It works much like a marriage, an old marriage. You've got to work on it.

They want to build a future for themselves in a society they believe in. They want to have a national goal that they can achieve.

I'm engaged, on the way to being married.

I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.

I host these bad movies late at night.

I'm a big Cosby fan. I respect the man.

I love doing stand-up, and having a growing core of fans forces me to experiment and push every time. Everyone has fun - me, most importantly.

I'm neutral in this race but I'm for freedom of speech, which means people should be able to assemble and speak without being shouted down.

I missed the boat when I was doing Late Night.

I have not gone to an 'N Sync concert personally. But my dad did a part in Lance Bass' new movie. He could not be a nicer young man.

I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy.

I personally believe we were put her to build and not to destroy.

I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose - to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

In the '60s, I started acting on these little video machines with my friends. We started a comedy workshop called Channel One in the Village.

I recently found out about this other super movie star. He only works from about 11:00 to 4:00, so all his movies take like 120 days. But this was a lot of stuff to do in 35 days.

I have to much money invested in sweaters.

I really detest movies like Indecent Proposal and Pretty Woman because they send a message to women that sleeping with a rich man is the ultimate goal and really that's such a small part of it.

In New York, if you wanted to be a comic you had to bring people to try to get on an open mic, but you could get on a regular show in Florida.

I tend to like very bitchy women. I find myself most attracted to smart, sarcastic, bitchy women.

Before you can hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

I don't know if it's a woman's tone of voice or training. Maybe guys are like, When I go home, I have to hear it. Right now I'm at work.

Because homecoming came first, and there was the homecoming court. The five guys on homecoming court were disqualified from being in the prom court. So being prom king was being sixth most popular.

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than a whole one.

Genius ain't nothing more than elegant common sense.

I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.

I ask myself why I do it. Maybe it's to prove I'm still around. It takes a lot out of my body. I'm not an NBA player anymore. At my age, very few people can handle it.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.