Funny Marriage Quotations

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with.

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

When a man makes a woman his wife, it's the highest compliment he can pay her, and it's usually the last.

Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it.

Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Center.

It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman.

you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.

You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.

Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

And no bathroom on earth will make up for marrying a bearded man you hate.

The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say.

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

One good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are?

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.

I believe our differences are the little pinches of salt that can make the marriage seem more flavorful.

True charity ought to begin in marriage, for it is a relationship that must be rebuilt every day.

Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.

If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.

Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.

Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole.

All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

I was married once before, and I stopped.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people.

The only duration of family life that satisfies the loftiest longings of the human soul is forever.

Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.

The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.

I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."

Every man should marry - and no woman

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much.

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.