Funny Quotations | Page 5

I'd rather proliferate funny little rumors than not.

With drama, you know if you're having a true moment, but in comedy, if somebody doesn't laugh, then you know you're not being funny. That's a really fun challenge, and that's what draws me to comedy.

'A Bug's Life' is a really funny movie and the characters have such different personalities. The movie is happy and then gets really sad and I'm like, W'hoa, I'm feeling this way and this movie is about bugs!'

Yes, I see the Mobile Base System really is the shoulder of the arm. The arm is right there, like a human arm. It's really funny to look at the similarities between a human arm and the Canadian robotics arm.

I could take Sean Connery in a fight... I could definitely take him.

Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it.

Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of plastic surgery, we look at them and go, I can tell you've had Botox. I can tell you've had plastic surgery. You look really strange to me. But no one's saying anything. We're just accepting the fact that they're strange-looking.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home.

I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.

Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

When I go abroad I always sail from Boston because it is such a pleasant place to get away from.

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

On the wagon sped, and I, as well as my comrades, gave a despairing farewell glance at freedom as we came in sight of the long stone buildings.

I use filming as an excuse to take classes. I got my certification in sailing for 'Wedding Crashers,' and now I can handle a 26-foot boat. I played a seamstress once, so I took sewing classes. I love dipping into these other lives.

Few great men would have got past personnel.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

Live honestly to a higher note. Life is too short. So, do the best you can and live your life to a higher note.

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kid's therapy.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.

Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.

I have this horrible sense of humor where I think discomfort is funny - partly because I experience discomfort a lot, and it's a way of laughing at it and getting a release.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best - that is inspiration.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

You always say 'I'll quit when I start to slide', and then one morning you wake up and realize you've done slid.

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me.

A sailing ship is no democracy; you don't caucus a crew as to where you'll go anymore than you inquire when they'd like to shorten sail.

I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons.

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.

A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.

I sometimes find that in interviews you learn more about yourself than the person learned about you.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and our air force has to have a bake-sale to buy a bomber.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

You know, I said I have this problem that I need to more carefully read Akron's text because it's too much, too much fantasy, and so I am busy with other stuff - it's funny, it's nice to hear that someone is studying that carefully and now I know a little bit more about that.

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

I'm a nut, but not just a nut.

What I mean by that is that the point of life, as I see it, is not to write books or scale mountains or sail oceans, but to achieve happiness, and preferably an unselfish happiness.

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

I grew up a huge fan of The Three Stooges and Monty Python, so somebody getting slapped in the face with a fish, or falling out of a chair, or running into a door, or tripping over their own feet and eating it, is all stuff I find really, really funny.

A funny thing about near-future stories: the future catches up to them. If the author is unlucky, the future catches up faster than the book can get out the door.

I did a lot of serious plays, and I did the Oxford Review as well, which is supposed to be funny, but I'm not sure how funny we were when we did it. Then, when I finished my course, it was only then that I decided to go to drama school and try and do acting because I was enjoying it so much and so on.

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

Podcasts feature comedians being as funny as they can be in a non-censored situation. It's really akin to standup in a way. When you go see a comedian in standup, that is the most pure, unadulterated form of their art.

I used to like Barbra Streisand films. It was 'Funny Girl' that really turned me on, in a sense, to acting. I remember it specifically being a rainy Saturday afternoon. I couldn't play football, so I stayed in, and I watched 'Funny Girl.'

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

Eyebrows are really important because they structure the face. In school it was funny because I was always the one walking around with tweezers plucking my girlfriends' eyebrows. I was really good; eyebrow tweezing runs in my family - my mother used to do mine, and I picked it up.

I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

George Carlin maintained that anything and everything is funny given the right context. This context also includes your own history with a given group. What I can get away with and where I can go is not a problem with my audience because they know me.

There is definitely a pressure for funny people to be funny. People want them to perform all the time.

When you're travelling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.

Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every day, my respect for Mariah continues to grow higher. She's a caring, warm and funny person. People have no idea how funny she is! I feel like I've always known she was my forever love.

It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes.

Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke. You're the joke later.'

I never understand when people say, 'Do you do comedy or tragedy?' I don't think they're very much different. They both have to be true, and there isn't a great play in the world that doesn't have funny parts to it - as 'Salesman' does, as 'King Lear' does. The whole idea is to reflect life in some way, which means surely you have to have both.

But a funny thing happened four years later. I was invited to play for an alumni team against the Red Wings.

David Mamet's writing is pretty spectacular, obviously. I like the honesty of it; I like how funny it is and how sad it is.

I love writing both fiction and memoir. Both have unique challenges; bottom line, fiction is hard because you have to come up with the credible, twisty plot, and memoir is hard because you have to say something true and profound, albeit in a funny way.

From kindergarten to graduation, I went to public schools, and I know that they are a key to being sure that every child has a chance to succeed and to rise in the world.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Unfortunately, sometimes the fans forget who puts the money and passion into the club. It's funny, but when you win, it's the coach and the players who are responsible, but when you lose, it's the owner's fault; but that's football.

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

Too many writers get stuck in the trap of writing what they think is funny and not considering who they are writing it for.

I laugh every day. There are days when my laughs are pretty hollow. Dust comes out of your mouth, and your bones make a funny sound. But I'm laughing.

God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.

I loved being in the room with Mamet as a director - he is the most generous, funny, delightful person to work for every day.