Humor Quotations | Page 5

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

I mean, yeah, I'm sure that Python and the other things have paved the way for a greater understanding of the British sense of humor, but I don't think it's all that different than the American sense of humor.

Irony is the gaiety of reflection and the joy of wisdom.

Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor.

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

There are psychological repercussions to illness and we need a little more help to get through the effects not only on the afflicted but on the family. And I think there's even a place for humor in that.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

In rough times, pathfinders rely on work, friends, humor and prayer. They develop a support network.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

The schizophrenic has no sense of humor. His world is a constantly daunting, unfriendly place.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

I would say just start writing. You've got to write every day. Copy someone that you like if you think that perhaps could become your sound, too. I did that with Hemingway, and I thought I was writing just like Hemingway. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me - he didn't have a sense of humor. I don't know anything he's written that's funny.

Negative humor is forgotten immediately. It's the stuff that makes us feel better about our lives that lives long. Much more satisfying. Enter children's books.

John Lennon, who was a good friend of mine, he had one of the best senses of humor of any human being. And Keith Richards, fantastic sense of humor. They were smart, sharp. They had their own thoughts on matters.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....

She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And if I can persuade you to laugh at the particular point I make, by laughing at it you acknowledge its truth.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I want everything I do to have humor in it, because it seems to me that all of life has that.

As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

It's an amusing idea to some, this feminism thing - this audacious notion that women should be able to move through the world as freely, and enjoy the same inalienable rights and bodily autonomy, as men. At least, that's the impression given when feminism and feminists are all too often the targets of lazy humor.

A lot of people say, 'Hey, God doesn't have a sense of humor.' Yes, He does. God has a great sense of humor.

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.

Humor, for me, is really a gate of departure. It's a way of enticing a reader into a poem so that less funny things can take place later. It really is not an end in itself, but a means to an end.

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

The old cathedrals are good, but the great blue dome that hangs over everything is better.

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Humor's always been the problem of my work, hasn't it? When working, I feel satisfied when I surprise myself. And when I surprise myself, I wind up laughing.

Jerry Seinfeld is amazing in many ways, not the least of them his ability to find humor, and convincing us to find it, too, in the million-and-two details about modern life that under different circumstances might send us into paroxysms of rage.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny.

I don't feel that I'm strictly Danish; I don't feel that my sense of humor is strictly Danish or my human sensibility is strictly Danish.

With actors like Steve McQueen, Paul Newman and Harrison Ford, what made them such icons is that even in dramatic movies, their characters had a sense of humor.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio.

People with no humor, they're outta my life.

Some things are easier to legalize than to legitimate.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

You learn timing on the road. You learn structure and how to read an audience. You learn so much about the business of laughter that you can't learn on a set, because it's all on you. Sometimes you bomb, and you know not to tell that joke again... You just hope people find the humor in the awkwardness.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If Lincoln were alive today, he'd be turning over in his grave.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why.

Life is full of risks anyway; why not take them?

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I'm not for gratuitous nudity, but if there's humor, I don't have a problem.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Humor can help you cope with the unbearable so that you can stay on the bright side of things until the bright side actually comes along.

My fans have great senses of humor and eat too much chocolate.

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

But, as my mother used to tell me, two wrongs don't make a right. But I soon figured out that three left turns do.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I think that humor is part of what saves us from despair.

Humor that is edgy is never squeaky clean.

Humor is so important to the American scene throughout history.

I choose my actors well and get to know the quirks of their personalities - and, most of all, I share humor with them. Then I keep my eyes open when they rehearse and perform, because you never know where the next stimulation comes from.

I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

I guess, for me, I've always thought that there was humor everywhere. And as a kid, I just, you know, I grew up an only child, and I - sort of nothing made me happier than to make my parents laugh. I remember I had costumes and things laying around the house that I was, you know, anything that I could do to make my parents laugh.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

A good actor is someone who knows how to take the part and make it real and make it honest and be effective in it. If it's in a funny movie and, as long as they are cast in an appropriate way, humor will come from it.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

Cathy was the first widely syndicated humor strip created by a woman. The strip was pretty revolutionary at the time not only because it starred a female, but also because it was so emotionally honest about all the conflicting feelings many women had in 1976.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.