Douglas Stanhope is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and author known for his cynical and controversial comedy style and libertarian political views...
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?
One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.'
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.