Jim Gaffigan Quotations | Page 3

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.

I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.