John Oliver Quotations | Page 2

I'm British, so obviously I repress any powerful emotions of any kind in relation to anything.

I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.

There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.

I think being an outsider in general always helps you in comedy. I think it helps to have an outsider's eye. And so I have an outsider's voice. You know, as soon as I start talking, I don't belong here. And I think that helps in a way.

If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.

I find it hard in my general life to think further than the week ahead.

I would hate to meet myself at 15.

I don't know if there is some psychological thing of wanting to know where your doctor got his degree from before he comes into the medical room.

Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.

When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.

Every empire has to get sucked down the drain. As a British person, I know how it feels.

We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.

People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.

Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.

There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers.

I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.

If you’ve been here, in New York, it has been dominated by the UN General Assembly, the annual event where delegates come from all over the world to f*** up this city’s traffic.

A Southern accent is not a club in my bag.

The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.

Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.

Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it's actually more like raisins into a cookie because no one [expletive] wants them there.

The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.

One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.

People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.

The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator.

The only thing I'm nervous about is talking to guests like human beings, because all of my interviews so far have been attacking people. I have a genuine concern about sitting across from an actor whose movies I obviously haven't seen.

Politics has become infused with narcissism in America.

Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil. Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion's share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby.

Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it.

When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.

You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.'

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'

When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends-\-\they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'