Kristen Schaal Quotations

I think it's great training for any comedian to start on cows. Because with cows, you expect them to be bored and just stare at you blankly. And that's exactly what you'll get at a comedy club. If you can toughen up with a cow audience, then you'll never be worried with a human audience.

In high school, I was doing a skit for forensics and people started laughing, more than I was prepared to deal with. It was a surprise.

I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination - being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows.

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

I probably shouldn't say this about all animals, but at least the farm animals that I've hung out with, and even when I go to the zoo usually, they're like a blank slate. I guess that's why I like them. They're puppets, and you can imagine them being anything you want.

Being a correspondent on 'The Daily Show' is some combination of doing a character and doing stand-up. It's a juggling act to find a balance between being you and playing a role.

Bad improv happens with people who are inexperienced with each other and don't know the craft that well. But bad stand-up is something that could happen to someone at any level in their career.

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

I love the idea that I have the power to look for the projects I can put myself into, but I'm still at that level of just being happy to have a job.

Animals in general have sparked a weird depression in me, because as much as I tried, I couldn't layer a personality over them. You know what I mean? I would stare at the cows, and I would sing to the cows, and they would always just look at me blankly.

Sometimes I try to sell shows with a female lead to networks, and that isn't something that's been a proven formula for them, so they reject it. I do feel like men get the funniest roles in movies.

I loved 'Burning Love,' and I really do love almost everything Paul Scheer touches.

I thought I would either be an epidemiologist or a 'Price Is Right' model.

I would never bring a kid to a comedy show myself, but I have noticed that I can't stop other people from bringing their kids.

I definitely had a Paul Rudd crush. He's great.

I don't enjoy reality television at all. I have to say that I get it, though. I watch some of it, and I understand why people enjoy it.

I'm not really a control person, and I'm a big believer in collaboration. I like to have a friend.

My sensibilities are like, 'I want it to be weirder.'

'Rock of Love' with Bret Michaels was fun. He's a lovable guy.

I've been lucky. The projects I've gotten to work on are projects I'd want to watch myself. That's what I try to shoot for.

It's not hard to be a woman in comedy as long as you're also a writer. You have to create your opportunity.

I would be an actress for the rest of my life just because it's really relaxing. Writing is hard work, and stand-up is so stressful before you get on stage, but acting is a complete ensemble experience.

My style can't be held within a pixel medium. Like, it needs to be performed in a living, breathing space. People need to have all their senses ready to take on my comedy, and unfortunately, TV alienates at least their sense of touch, taste, smell.

My parents are pretty religious, devout, but did they force it on me? No, I don't think so. I still think of myself as a Lutheran, just one who doesn't go to church.

You go from nobody looking at you to people taking second looks. I remember really loving it - and then feeling so guilty for loving it. Like, 'That's gross, Kristen.' Also, telling myself it could go away at any moment, and I'd be so sad.

I used to go to open mics in New York when I was starting out, and it was mostly just people who wanted an audience to look at them for eight minutes on a stage.

The more women sit down and write something in a woman's voice for a woman, they more you'll see women in comedy because gender doesn't define sense of humor. Imagination and intelligence and perspective do.

I never really saw myself as a standup comedian. I always just thought of myself as someone who used the eight minutes or 10 minutes she was allotted and had a blast.

I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can. 'Flight Of The Conchords' was so wonderful because I had a family for two years.

In the U.K., there's absolutely no money for television. So you can do pretty much whatever you want. They're not losing money on any of the shows, so they'll give you a lot of creative freedom. In the United States, there are millions and millions of dollars at stake, so they need a sure formula.

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater...

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners...

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.

I would love for people to know that the label 'feminist' is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.