Milton Berle Quotations

Laughter is an instant vacation.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison -- if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.