Spike Milligan Quotations

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

I'm a hero with coward's legs. I'm a hero from the waist up.

His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.

Just when I had made my today secure with safe yesterdays I see tomorrow coming with it's pale glass star called hope It shatters on impact And falls like splinters on cruel rain And I see the red oil of life running from my wrists onto tomorrows hea

My manager, Norma, was trying to get me to write it for at least 10 years and being the reclusive person I am, I wanted people to judge me for what they saw on the television, on the films or on the stage. And what I did apart from that was my own affair. So to write my autobiography was, to me, an anathema.

I thought I'd begin by reading a sonnet by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen

Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.

A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived." I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.

If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

I'm Irish. We think sideways

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

In the human race today, you came last.

God made nightButMan made darkness.

If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

A lot of learning canbe a little thing.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.

If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

I told you I was sick.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

Its all in the mind, you know.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?