Tim Vine Quotations

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one'.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.