Rita Rudner Men Quotations

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"?

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.