Steven Wright Birthday Quotations

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

How young can you die of old age?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.