Steven Wright Moving Quotations

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

Day One: Still tired from the move.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.