W. C. Fields Two Quotations

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.