Woody Allen Humorous Quotations

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after-who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.

Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it."

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

The heart wants what it wants.

Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ...

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something