Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the Presidency.
I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
Television is the box they buried entertainment in.
I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.
I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.
I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
In his prime, the young comic walked onto a stage with the confidence of a man who owned it, and by the time he walked off, he did.
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.
I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke.
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.