Chris Rock Funny Quotations

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

I've never seen stunt casting that's actually funny: 'Oh, it's Shaq,' and then there's some horrible excuse for him to dunk, ... It's, like, 'We got a famous guy, and he's gonna be famous tonight' -- and it sucks!

The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies ... a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

It's hard for a man to turn down sex ... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"

Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check ... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."

Hollywood's just not funny.

I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.

Not a Harvard-type education, ... Just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

I don't need a president with a bucket list!

Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.

So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America ... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.