David Letterman Today Quotations

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.

President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

This win today has so many interesting, worthy facets, ... Bobby touched on Buddy coming in, getting a good ride. Was there a stronger car in the field today? Was there a stronger driver in the field today? My God, Buddy just would not stop, and it was eating everybody alive. There's something about it, it was I think preordained certainly. You could feel it. You could feel it from the start of the race.

Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,'

Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.

Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.

Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.