Demetri Martin Two Quotations

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.