Demetri Martin Would Be Quotations

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.