Dennis Miller Funny Quotations

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.

My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.

I rant, therefore I am