Emo Philips Thinking Quotations

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.