Eugene Mirman Sex Quotations

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' and then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.