Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people.
Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.
Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.
I dislike feeling at home when I am abroad.
The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
Why, except as a means of livelihood, a man should desire to act on the stage when he has the whole world to act in, is not clear to me.
The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier.
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed.
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.
I am sick of reasonable people: they see all the reasons for being lazy and doing nothing.
My way of joking is telling the truth; that is the funniest joke in the world
It's a funny thing about that bust. As time goes on it seems to get younger and younger.
Ladies and gentleman are permitted to have friends in the kennel, but not in the kitchen.
A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.
Who is this Baby Ruth? And what does she do?
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.
The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.
Every dream is a prophecy: every jest is an earnest in the womb of Time.
Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.