George Burns Funny Quotations

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

At my age flowers scare me.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.