My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Hello, I must be going.
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it
Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood
But what makes wage slaves? Wages!
Humor is reason gone mad.
Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I hope they bury me near a strait man
Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy
Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much
I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove
Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life
She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket
Go, and never darken my towels again
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy
Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself
You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you
I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge
How would you like to feel the way she looks
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa
Budget: a way of going broke methodically
I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down
You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces
You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar
With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now
Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills
You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing
I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs
Time wounds all heels.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.