Jack Handy Eating Quotations

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, ""I love carrots."" ""Good,"" I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. ""Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!"" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ""Boy, these are good cigars!