Jeff Garlin Quotations

She makes every scene she's in better, ... I'm sorry if that's boring, but she's a rock. She's just that fantastic.

My kids have played soccer and baseball and basketball, and the parents who come to games are always saying and doing things that are just wildly inappropriate.

I have gone to many theaters where it is so unpleasant with the commercials before the movie, the volume, and the disrespect of the filmgoers. So I understand people not wanting to go to the theater.

I don't care what I do - act, stand-up, write, direct - it doesn't matter as long as I'm being creative and it's good work.

Certainly early on, I kind of modeled myself after Steve Martin and Bill Murray. I would imitate them sometimes.

He was right. I could have brought the idea to a million other people, and we wouldn't be talking about a great show.

The only thing that I demand of the audience is that they listen to what I'm saying. Other than that, they owe me nothing. They don't owe me a thing.

Parents have got to chill out. Let your kid eat dirt - they're gonna be fine!

I was very specific as to what the special would be because I had just directed Jon and Dennis. The difference was that mine included a lot more stand-up and Larry's included more behind-the-scenes.

Whenever I meet someone who's talented, I always want to write something for them!

Why do I want to be challenged or have challenges? That's why I don't go climb mountains.

Directing is really my favorite thing to do, but if I never directed again, I'd be okay if all the work I did was good.

First off, I don't do self-deprecation comedy based on being fat. I would always talk about it honestly. Secondly, I don't care how much I weigh.

I've avoided doing network shows because I don't think they're true to real families.

Acting's fine if the script's written by Paddy Chayefsky and Martin Scorsese directs it, but unless you have something like that, I don't really enjoy acting.

For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey.

Forget 'full of myself,' I'm not remotely impressed with myself.

I'm a freak for great movies. I love movies.

I like independent movies, documentaries. There's not a lot of movies that are commercially made that I dig.

I like raconteurs; I like conversation. I liked the 'Tonight Show' when it was 90 minutes, I like when people aren't plugging things per se, and they're just in the moment being interesting.

I'm from Chicago and it's a huge influence on me.

I'm totally comfortable not being as funny as Larry David.

I have the bigger iPad, but the Mini is the best. It just seems perfect. The old one seems so big and heavy. I like simple and clean.

In my stand-up, I generally improvise from an outline.

I don't think I'm ever going to retire from stand-up, but what I have retired from is working the road every week.

By the way, to perform in front of Don Rickles, it 's not nerve-wrecking. It 's enjoyable, i am enjoying Jeff Garlin. I hope I perform in front of Don Rickles every night of my life !

If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.

There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.

When you see a bad romantic comedy, you see the script, the director, and the actors trying to create this warmth and this pathos and this feeling that you care about them. That cannot be manufactured - it's either there or it isn't.

As an individual doing a podcast, you don't get even remotely rich. It's not something to do for money.

I hate cellphones. They are not for good, they're for evil. They're for gossip.

I never analyze stuff with comedy because it's boring. It makes you stop being funny. Just be who you are and do what you do, and you're either funny or you're not.

The reality is [in] any emotional situation, a compulsive eater eats or an alcoholic drinks. What people misunderstand is that when you're a compulsive overeater, you don't just eat when things are bad. You eat when you feel anything.

I felt very comfortable about myself when I was much heavier. I feel much better about myself from being fit.

The worst kind of idiot is the one who doesn't think they're an idiot.

Comedians sometimes forget that there's an audience. You gotta be conscious that you're performing for other human beings.

I don't think he knows ... Until something hits him, whether writing a book or movie, or being in a movie, he wants to play golf, and be with his family. He's blessed that way.

I do love directing. It's probably my favorite thing that I do.