Jim Gaffigan Pockets Quotations

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, "I'm glad I ate that." I'm always like, "I'm gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts."