Jim Norton Quotations

When you talk about an icon and a legend, an extraordinary individual, as well as a people's person, it's difficult where to start about the man. He was the kind of person where all you would have to say is Amby and people knew who you were talking about. People loved him. On the day of his passing, the headline in the (Providence) Journal read, A one, and last, of a kind. In all of the years that I worked with Amby, it's hard to pinpoint what stands out the most, except that he was always there.

Most sitcoms are horrid. If we bomb on this one, it's our own fault. HBO allowed us a tremendous amount of room. The show in general, it's real. It's the way people interact with each other.

If an employee is served with an order to release highly sensitive encryption keys, they are likely also to be served with a 'gagging order' preventing them from informing others in the company (such as senior management or security staff) that the integrity of their encryption systems has been potentially compromised. The employee is protected in this country against the consequences of that action. This protection does not extend outside the U.K. to other jurisdictions such as that of the parent company.

We got tired of hauling it all over,

I've not had one stitch of trouble. It's just not an issue.

These models save businesses a lot of money, but when something goes wrong there is no slack in the system to handle it. Businesses should be investing some of their savings from e-business models into contingency planning.

People say 'well gosh he must know something I don't know'. And, sometimes developers are like sheep. They all follow one another. And, we've already had follow ups from people in New York and Dallas and Kansas City.

Denver Water has an impressive history of providing customers with high quality water and excellent service. Taking advantage of the benefits an enterprise personalization solution like Dialogue offers is just one more way of extending that high level of service to its customers.

It's up to the states to make up their own minds about what to do about climate change.

It's in all of our interests to make this work. We are in the business to distribute and sell wine.

The characters on the show talk like people talk in real life. I think people are going to appreciate that. This is a show people can relate to.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

People don't mind positive stereotypes. People don't mind positive assumptions. It's only negative assumptions about them. So their outrage is so arbitrary.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

You look like a diabetic strip club owner.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

People are too worried a lot of times what other people in the audience are going to think about them, so they like to feign offense so other people don't think that they're inappropriate for laughing at something.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.

It just seems like right now we’re in a place where people are being witch-hunted for expressing an opinion. Even if it’s a lousy opinion or a shitty opinion, and comics I don’t think can ever fall into the trap of any groups that want to censor what a person says or thinks or punish a person for expressing what they think. Anything you say about a social issue is going to offend half the country. I don’t care how nicely you say it, I don’t care how well you construct the joke, simply by stating the opinion, you are for something and anti something else.

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.

People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.