Joan Rivers Memorable Quotations

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'