Mitch Hedberg Guy Quotations

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shi*, I had to be somewhere..."

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.

I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorry, We're Closed". You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am. And you're a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say "Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed... somebody owes me an apology.

I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology.

A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized he liked cherries, just.

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...