Funny Inspirational Quotations

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.

Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.

The road to success is always under construction.

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever.

I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler.

Start with good people, lay out the rules, communicate with your employees, motivate them and reward them. If you do all those things effectively, you can't miss.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

People have to follow their hearts, and if their hearts lead them to Wal-Mart, so be it.

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.

I cannot afford to waste my time making money

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

I'm not a driven businessman, but a driven artist. I never think about money. Beautiful things make money.

I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose.

Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There's plenty of movement, but you never know if it's going to be forward, backwards, or sideways.

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

Punctuality is one of the cardinal business virtues: always insist on it in your subordinates.

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

Time is the scarcest resource and unless it is managed nothing else can be managed.

People will buy anything that is one to a customer.

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do.

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Natural forces within us are the true healers of disease.

I will not retire while I've still got my legs and my make-up box.

If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

The competitor to be feared is one who never bothers about you at all, but goes on making his own business better all the time.

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

It's bizarre that the produce manager is more important to my children's health than the pediatrician.

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Generosity is the best investment.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

I can get ready in 10 minutes.

When someone says, "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I want done," give him a lollipop.

I'm a big health food freak and a vegetarian devotee.

Interviewing is tough, especially if you don't know what you're looking for.

Keep the other person's well being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on.

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.

Funny women are honest women.

Not since I was 10, trying to get Nick Vossler's attention in PE. 'Red Rover, Red Rover, send Nicholas right over!'

For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here".

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

You should bring something into the world that wasn't in the world before. It doesn't matter what that is. It doesn't matter if it's a table or a film or gardening-everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say 'I did that.'

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper.

Women tend to be problem solvers. We work together.

Computers are good at following instructions, but not at reading your mind.

Winning is everything. The only ones who remember you when you come second are your wife and your dog.

I sometimes think, would I drink the milk from the breast of a woman I don't know? No. So I think, why would I drink it from a cow?

Pressure is something you feel when you do not know what you are doing.

Good things come to those who hustle

She watched the first episode and she was like, 'This is feminism?' And then by the end of the season, she was like, 'This is feminism.' The tone changed completely. She was really psyched about it.

Nothing's changed my life more. I feel better about myself as a person, being conscious and responsible for my actions and I lost weight and my skin cleared up and I got bright eyes and I just became stronger and healthier and happier. Can't think of anything better in the world to be but be vegan.

I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child.

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke-and that the joke is oneself.

Note to self: When noticing flyaway hairs, do not use lip gloss as an 'on-the-go' hair gel.

Let your food be your medicine, and your medicine be your food.

To do nothing is sometimes a good remedy.

Nature itself is the best physician.

If you are not your own doctor, you are a fool.

Everyone has a doctor in him or her; we just have to help it in its work. The natural healing force within each one of us is the greatest force in getting well. Our food should be our medicine. Our medicine should be our food. But to eat when you are sick, is to feed your sickness.

Among the most striking things that I have learned is how much we have in common. I've sat down with people everywhere, discussing what was in their hearts and on their minds. And it doesn't take long to find commonality, which is often overlooked, ignored, dismissed, and rejected otherwise.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Never abandon your dreams. You may regret it for the rest of your life.

While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries.

Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare.

Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

You never came out the way you came in.

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.

If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

A good time for laughing is when you can.

Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.

When you take the time to actually listen, with humility, to what people have to say, it's amazing what you can learn. Especially if the people who are doing the talking also happen to be children.

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.

The data is clear: If you give a woman an opportunity, she will make a huge difference.

There are so many distractions you can face as a woman, either with relationships or worrying about, Should I go to this party? or, Should I be doing this to help me get ahead? All [success] is, is doing your work and staying focused. It's boring advice, but boring good advice is what you can get from me!

Teenage girls, please don’t worry about being super popular in high school, or being the best actress in high school, or the best athlete. Not only do people not care about any of that the second you graduate, but when you get older, if you reference your successes in high school too much, it actually makes you look kind of pitiful, like some babbling old Tennessee Williams character with nothing else going on in her current life. What I’ve noticed is that almost no one who was a big star in high school is also big star later in life. For us overlooked kids, it’s so wonderfully fair.

The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.