Humor Quotations | Page 3

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

I don't have a very quick sense of humor.

Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

I believe that economists put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

You have to fight for your marriage, do whatever it takes. The commitment has to be there. And if you don't have a sense of humor, I don't know how anybody makes it.

I think that making love is the best form of exercise.

Without humor, I cannot go on and I doubt many of my readers would go on either. Humor is so important. I am here to have fun here with my work.

My own life is wonderful, but if I had to live the life of someone else, I'd gladly choose that of Julia Child or Dr. Seuss: two outrageously original people, each of whom fashioned an idiosyncratic wisdom, passion for life, and sense of humor into an art form that anyone and everyone could savor.

Insult is powerful. Insult begets both rage and humor and often at the same time.

In good times, people want to advertise; in bad times, they have to.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

I grew up with Forrest J. Ackerman's 'Famous Monsters of Filmland' along with a plethora of movie tomes and wanted to write about film with a sense of personality, passion, and humor.

I love doing comedy. You don't get many good comedy scripts. They're rare. But, I do love playing comedy. Even in drama, I like to try to find the humor because I think it's very human.

I love the idea of things being strict and things being uniform. That's the reason why I surround each collection with humor or irony. I want to make sure that it's not too serious and that there is some element that throws it off because otherwise that would make it really boring. There's always a story that's somewhat fantastical.

However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be.

I think humor is a very serious thing. I use it as a way of weakening the reader's defenses so that I can more easily take him to something more.

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

Humor reminds you, when you're flattened by sorrow, that you're still human.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Puns are a form of humor with words.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I'm lucky that my real-life Mom has both a great sense of humor about herself and an amazing ability to slip into complete denial if the subject matter gets a little too close to home.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

'Big Bang Theory' is not my kind of show. It's not my humor. I don't like multicam comedies. I don't want an audience to tell me when to laugh.

Being Jewish is a big part of my artistic sensibility and my humor... I think it gives me a certain take on the world on a literary level.

I'm a great admirer of Primo Levi's work. It's always mind-boggling, the idea of how much pain people can endure and still come back from the edge with a sense of humor, with this tremendous animal desire we have to get on with life.

A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

People who know me, they know I have a sense of humor, I'm a bit of a joker, a bit of a clown really, and I would love someone to exploit that side of me and send me a romantic comedy.

Funnily enough, I did a play called 'Jumpy' on the West End before I did 'Divergent,' and there was an essence of that character I played, called Cam, in Will. In the sense of his vulnerability, and... he had a sense of humor that comes out of adversity, similar to Will.

I could not tread these perilous paths in safety, if I did not keep a saving sense of humor.

In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge.

Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.

I've always chosen my band members based on their sense of humor. It might sound stupid, but it means not only are they fun to live with on a tour bus for years, but humor implies intelligence.

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.

The President has a wonderful sense of humor, which is one of the reasons it is so much fun to work for him.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

At NBC I wasn't really sure if the grandparents were going to get my sense of humor on a particular topic.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

It is those who concentrates on but one thing at a time who advance in this world. The great man or woman is the one who never steps outside his or her specialty or foolishly dissipates his or her individuality.

I would say that Emma Stone and Emma Watson are two very talented young actresses who are very intelligent and have a great sense of humor and have learned to balance what they love with their acting career, and I think that's really a great thing.

It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

I get asked, 'How can you have such failures in your films?' Well, what else is life about? There's some sense of constant failure in something. Humor gives you a distance from it.

Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.

The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far

I have no idea what a British sensibility or a British sense of humor is. I have no concept of what that is. I have no concept of what American sensibility is. I was born in Great Britain, but I was only there for six months, and we moved to Belgium, where I grew up.

Back in 2004, Kellie Overbey handed me her play 'Girl Talk' to read. I fell in love with her brutally delicious humor and the fearlessly deft way in which she drew her characters. They jumped off the page and begged me to give them a space in which to stomp around.

Every nation in every region now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God.

The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

Life is tough; and if you have the ability to laugh at it, you have the ability to enjoy it.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Humor is everywhere in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.

Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I like to deal with EVERY aspect of our condition, and that means terror and humor in equal mix. Some books have more room for humor than others.

Cameron Crowe can write dialogue and shoot it with warmth and humor like nobody else.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

Along with a sense of humor, my songs have to be sincere, and they have to be sung from a position of inner conviction.

I did the 'Bionic Woman,' which of course had a lot of humor in it, and that was really a function of a lot of the ad-libbing and the things that I did in it.

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

W. P. Kinsella, who was born on a farm near Edmunton, Alberta, has earned wide recognition for his wild imagination and rash humor as a writer.

The humor and emotion of the 'Do You Want to Build a Snowman' theme makes me cry every time I watch it, and that deep emotion is something we'd love to do on the show. If we can make you cry, we always try to. And 'Once,' when it's at its best, is emotional and fun.

Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don't want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but you'd rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument.

If you can get humor and seriousness at the same time, you've created a special little thing, and that's what I'm looking for, because if you get pompous, you lose everything.

I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not funny.

If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.

When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.

Conservative humor is frankly harder than liberal humor. You get points for just being liberal. You can get more points if you make fun of your own side sometimes.