Humorous Quotations

If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

Give me a museum and I'll fill it.

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.

Any good broadcast, not just an Olympic broadcast, should have texture to it. It should have information, should have some history, should have something that's offbeat, quirky, humorous, and where called for it, should have journalism, and judiciously it should also have commentary. That's my ideal.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away.

'Everwood' I think provides a unique feeling, an emotional experience. And other shows on TV don't have the acting talent to do that. Each one of our actors can do a serious scene and a humorous scene, and can do it all within the same sequence. They can go from a heartbreaking moment to a humorous moment.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.

A clever, imaginative, humorous request can open closed doors and closed minds.

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes.

Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If one tends to be a humorous person and you have a sense of humor the rest of your life then you can certainly lighten the load, I think, by bringing that to your trials and tribulations. It's easy to have a sense of humor when everything is going well.

America is not only big and rich, it is mysterious; and its capacity for the humorous or ironical concealment of its interests matches that of the legendary inscrutable Chinese.

I use humour a lot. My foundation is tragic, but my appearance is humorous.

I am astonished, when I pause to think about it, to discover myself to be an author of humorous novels for children. Or an author at all. I had a childhood much like everyone else's. What went wrong?

But when they offered this little situation for me to do this voice in this special segment, I found it so incredibly humorous that I said yes, and I enjoyed it. It was fun.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

You have two hemispheres in your brain - a left and a right side. The left side controls the right side of your body and right controls the left half. It's a fact. Therefore, left-handers are the only people in their right minds.

Everywhere in the world, music enhances a hall, with one exception: Carnegie Hall enhances the music.

Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Tell me about yourself - your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.

My childhood memories of my grandparents are of a wonderful, complementary couple. While my grandfather had a spirited, humorous personality, my grandmother is gentle and poised.

I talk about any number of things on my Facebook space. Politics. Current events. The writing life. The latest tempests in a teapot centering on fandom. Daily doings from my own life. My cats, for crying out loud. Flights of humorous fantasy. Books, both those I've read and those I've written. Movies. And occasionally, TV shows.

I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I really like the Observer. I think I'd love to have a column with a broad reach that would enable me to do some proper reporting, but keep it on sort of a humorous level. I've always had a very happy experience writing for them.

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced

Poetry, I think, intensifies the reader's experience. If it's a humorous facet of the story, poetry makes it more exuberant. If it's a sad facet, poetry can make it more poignant.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn't organized to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.

I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

I've spent enough time with soldiers to know that once they get to know you and they loosen up and become themselves, they are some of the biggest hams and most charismatic, cocky, fun, humorous guys I've ever met.

I've always tried to explore the humorous aspects of life.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

Clearly, society has a tremendous stake in insisting on a woman's natural fitness for the career of mother: the alternatives are all too expensive.

I suppose I look for humor in most situations because it humanizes things; it makes a character much more three-dimensional if there's some kind of humor. Not necessarily laugh-out-loud type of stuff, just a sense that there is a humorous edge to things. I do like that.

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

It's a humorous statement that doesn't mean anything. You can't lie to God - it's ridiculous.

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me the pot's at the other end.

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.

Nothing in man is more serious than his sense of humor; it is the sign that he wants all the truth.

I think there are a lot of things out there that are humorous that people don't realize until you actually show them what is going on. Saran Wrap for one thing. You know, you could pull enough of that out of the box and it will actually kill you. It will get a hold of you, stick to you, and choke you to death.

Prior to Wordsworth, humor was an essential part of poetry. I mean, they don't call them Shakespeare comedies for nothing.

Music is like girlfriends to me; I'm continually astonished by the choices other people make.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Humor is really one of the hardest things to define, very hard. And it's very ambiguous. You have it or you don't. You can't attain it. There are terrible forms of professional humor, the humorists' humor. That can be awful. It depresses me because it is artificial. You can't always be humorous, but a professional humorist must. That is a sad phenomenon.

The world is an infinitely fascinating, tragic and humorous place.

When I started writing this, I found that I simply couldn't take fantasy seriously, so it became humorous, and continued from there.

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?